i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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