Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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