that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Randomize
