he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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