my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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