Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
wakey wakey hands off snakey
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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