I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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