Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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