So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
