If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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