Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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