I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I need moral support for this bender
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
