oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Randomize
