Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize