so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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