im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
