Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
