Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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