Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
My vagina is very pro this idea
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