So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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