He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
