My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
im holly from the hills drunk
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Randomize
