i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
