dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
