Your face is a jimmy john
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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