Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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