Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
