the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
