I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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