Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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