I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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