Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
