I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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