Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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