so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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