I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize