I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
