he referred to my room as the tit cave...
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
