sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
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