We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
