ya dads aren't the best wingmen
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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