if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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