From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
