Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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