Betty ford says i'm here all night
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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