I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
