i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
