You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
