Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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