i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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