Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Congratulations! We have a period
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
