i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Randomize
