remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
We need to feng shui this bitch.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
