Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
