My underwear smells like fireworks.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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