I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
the condom got lost in my hair
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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