We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
