I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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