New invention idea: vibrating tampons
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Randomize
