I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
